The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
