Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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