Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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