I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
