a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
