I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
