everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
