Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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