I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
