At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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