You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
