I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
