everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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