I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
