mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
