Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
