Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
