I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
