My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
