I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
