weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
