Small penises have feelings too.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
