i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
