lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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