His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
