I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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