Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
