I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
