So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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