hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
