I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
