Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
