I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
