i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
