I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
