I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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