The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
