He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
