How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
