Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
