Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
