Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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