One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
my liver is dry heaving
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
