know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
