woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
