I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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