Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
