im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
