I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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