I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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