6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
